Currently I’m sitting at the Fort Lauderdale airport, my flight schedule has slightly changed, tomorrow morning at 6:00 I will be on a plane to the DR. flight #715 Fort Lauderdale/Miami to Santo Domingo DR.  From there I will take a bus to PAP Haiti.

 

I have a second to sit and relax and time to reflect on some thing that I have seen and done, or at least the opportunity to graze their surface. I feel like I have lived 4 life times in the last 6 months.

 

 Going back to Haiti feels somewhat surreal to me. I already suspect it is going to be worst then I imagine it and it’s hard to explain what that type of devastation feels and looks like. My heartaches for all those affected by this devastation. My heartaches for the pain and suffering these people have had to endure even before the earthquake. I have been asked how do I deal with what I see; the hopelessness of not being able to help all those that ask me for it, the death, the morning, the destruction. I cant even remember everyone who I saw die, there was just to many. I guess for me I don’t focus on the “failed” cases, the deceased, or the people who I had no other choice but to walk by when their need was so great. I focus on the people who I was able to help.  Especially that first week were the death and wounded was incomprehensible, and hard choices had to be made.

 

I started my day today by walking in the arboretum (if your ever in Boston you should go there it is amazing) The sun just coming up, the air chilled with promises of a spring day. One of my favorite types of weather. I wont lie it is hard for me to leave this comfort and beauty, its hard for me to leave my family and friends, but I know I need to go down there now. Many people have expressed concern to me about me going back down after so short a break. And the best reason I can give you is, my heart tells me that’s were I should be. The hardest issues I have had to deal with in my life are situations were I knew I should act but I didn’t for one reason or another. Because of this I have vowed to myself that when I know I am meant to do something for now on I will do it even if the path is difficult. I have been blessed with the opportunity to go down and help, and I feel at peace within because I know it’s the right thing for me to do. I have been blessed with great family and friends.  Thank you everyone for understanding, especially my family who have supported me time and time again and who are always in my thoughts.  

 

I know I have been very busy these last couple months and not always the easiest to reach and not always able to express how thankful I am to everyone in my life, but I do want everyone to know that your love and support have meant so much to me. Mentally knowing that I have such amazing people behind me has been very empowering. Financially, there is no way I could have possibly done this without donations both monitor and of supplies.  Thank you so much!

 

 My deepest gratitude goes out to everyone, especially the great staff on the mobile health van I work on in Boston, HIV innovations/project health moves, were I also learned many of the skills necessary to do the work I do.  The work you guys do and the dedication you have to patients rights and autonomy is empowering, not only to your clients, but to me as well J Your support has allowed me to continue to work else were and I’m so happy that there is such a great team caring for some of the most vulnerable populations here in the states. The staff at New England Baptist Hospital, especially my manager Marybeth for her continued support and flexibility.  The Northeastern University community for not only giving me such a great education but for supporting me now as an alumni.  A special thanks to Jim and Karen as well, you are my mentors, my friends and my family. You guys have helped me time and time again and I am deeply inspired by your positive and caring outlook on life and towards humanity.  

 

Again my family, especially my brother and his fiancé, and my sister, who have supported me relentlessly, letting me stay at your house, watching my cat, receiving my mail, talking to me endlessly about my interests and being involved with my life; attending my art shows, driving me to go windsurfing, attending talks I’ve given, and being involved positively in all aspects of my life. The list of things I am appreciated of could go on forever. I’m not sure if I have properly expressed how appreciative I am of all the things you do for me. You guys are the best! And of course my mom, my inspiration, my hero.  To all the rest of my family as well, for your support and love. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

 

Last but not least thank you to all of the great people I worked side by side with in PAP, the first month I was there. You guys are amazing and I don’t know if I would have made it through that first trip with out all of your support. The great nurses and doctors, EMTs, the military, the locals that even in face of such personal tragedy selflessly volunteered to help, and showed me such kindness and strength. All of you, and then some, truly are amazing people doing amazing things.     

 

My plan is to head to PAP tomorrow via bus and work there with global D.I.R.T; the best way to reach me is by facebook or email. I can also be reached at 509 376 36 454, or who ever has that phone should be able to give you an update on me. A lot of what happens in Haiti right now is on a day to day bases so I cant give you a detailed itinerary of my trip, but do know that while my main reason for going down there is to help the people of Haiti. My main concern is still number one, me. So I will take every precaution I can to remain safe, while still delivering care to those who so desperately need it right now. 

Please don’t forget about Haiti, don’t forget about any of the vulnerable people in this world, and try to do what ever you can to help humanity.  

Thank you, and see you when i get back in about a month.

 
back 02/17/2010
 
there is so many emotions and thoughts running threw my head, and it is to late in the night to try to wright them all down. one thing i do know is I need to return to Haiti. i have taken a couple days to collect myself but now my heart strings are pulling me back, so monday i will be returning. 
 
 

My soul feels rejuvenated today, and once again I feel like I could do this for ever. I come home from working at CDTI and I have one of those meaning full talks with someone that you know you will remember forever.  A sunny day I walked back to the hotel I am now staying at (what luxury, thank you!) with a local friend. You see a lifetime of need in a 6-block walk, but now unlike when I started there are now street venders, were once there were only the dead and ruble. I am in awe of the human resilience, of the spirit and of the power of community.

 

Its getting closer every minute to when I said I would leave and every second closer its getting harder and harder to say good bye. The hospital im at now needs crutches and I know were to get them it will just take me time, im running out of time though. I started working at the CDTI (which is different then university hospital, someone really needs to get an NGO in here to connect and organize all the NGOs) there I have run into one of the Canadian teams I worked with at UM/medishare, and one of the best nurses I have ever worked with in Boston. There is much hugging and hellos. I pick up sandwiches on the street corner and run into the Haitian doctor I worked with the other day. She stops her car and tells me about one of the patients I worked closely with her on at the community hospital. The young patient is doing well but needs to get her medicine or she might lose her eye. It breaks my heart a little for its one more place and one more thing I wont is able to follow up on. I will try to stay true to my word though and try to get out on a military flight wed. I’m working the over night shift tonight as pretty much the only nurse, other nights there was no one rto watch the patients. I am no longer in charge of a million things and focus my energy on direct patient care, I love it.  But sadly I think it needs to be my last night and day of work. Well I will try to sleep now for a couple hours. 

 
 
To start with I will say I am doing well.  I have the greatest admiration for everyone I have met down here.  The staff at the medishare hospital are some of the best people I have come across.  The staff at ever hospital I have ran into also inspire me. Every were I go I run into people selflessly working at helping. The local people are also very amazing, resilient strong and kind.  I have come across individuals with new ideas. Water trucks that make water from the air, filtration devises being passed out, food being distributed, medical needs being met under the most strenuous situations. can-do, life flight, pure filters all little organizations having big impacts. .

 

The other day I woke up crawled out of my tent and sat on a rock over looking the rice fields and hills in Abraham Haiti.  I was there for one day, dropped off by a helicophter with one other nurse a box of dressing supplies and a tent. As the helicopter landed the people came running. Nick and I immediately set up a little wound care clinic on the ground in front of our little tent.  The locals so interested in everything we do and say. A crowed stays around us long after we are done caring for everyone.  Eventually it disperses and we eat MREs under the stars. I try to sleep on hard ground. In the distance drumming and singing energizes the air. The locals celebrate into the early morning. The next morning the crowd is back and nick and I sit in the middle. Dressing wounds as they come in and practicing Creole. The locals hear the helicopter before I can and their excitement grow. I wave good by and give hugs.  I have time for reflection as I sit in the helicopter watching the destruction below on our flight back towards medishare. Something so profound about flying close over the palace and the comfort wile listening to cold play. We land Nick goes back to working immediately. He is an inspiration, organized and compassionate driven and Knowledgeable
. I go to one of the only hotels in port-o prince and relax. I run into my driver who just the other day really helped me out. I hade a box of meds that needed to reach an individual. I cared the box and 20 dollars around the air field. I left the meds with a US army man, and kept my fingers crossed that it would make it to the right place. Fritz my driver came threw. Locating the army man with using limited english, picking it up and finding the money stuffed in the box he came threw and handing it off to the right place. Today I go to community hospital to work.  i have had a lot of requests to come home soon. i have been here now about 20 days and every day it gets harder and harder to leave, but i know i need to so i will be back in

 
 
I'm riding in the back of the make shift ambulance, a bread truck with a tape cross on it and a sign scribbled on paper  “ambulance”. I cling to the newborn baby as we drive through the destroyed streets of Haiti.  Little hands little lips and closed eyes. I hold one of the triplets and try to block the dust from the baby's face.  One of the most motivated compassionate Doctors hold the second and the mother who just a couple days ago gave birth to this angels in a make shift tent on the street holds the third. I sit there and think about everything. I am in a state of shock not only because of the sights and sounds but because just hours ago Liz called me into the communications room. I was in the middle of helping pic a patient off the floor who was covered in their own excrement and flies. I was in the middle off trying to figure out how to get an electric cord for a wound vac. I was in the middle of working with triage for bed placement, I was in the middle of hanging dry IV bags and giving out pain meds, while simultaneously making sure the local help felt appreciated and the volunteer nurses weren’t to burned out. I stop all this and go into the communication tent.  Were Liz from University of Miami tells me I have to leave. Someone has posted a utube video of me. I have still never seen the video but I don’t remember being filmed and in it I am only showing someone who is volunteering were the morgue on the UN base is. I show many people many things. I have oriented new staff and showed them were things are, sometimes I need to show them were non-pleasant things are. Well most of the time I do. The story is this person (I forget there name) after volunteering went back to Florida and went to a found raiser for UM were he freaked out and expressed anger about the waste of monetary resources when on the field it is a war zone. Fund raising is important though and this cause and suffering we see is not caused by the UM but by the fact that we are in a developing country with limited resources after such a terrible earthquake.  He made the wrong people mad and I got caught in the cross fire because he had posted this video of me that I didn’t even know existed.

 

I have seen a lot of misery here but this news was very hard for me to swallow. I know it might sound selfish but when you have no control over the suffering you see and you work as hard as you can to relieve it there is at least a sense that you are trying. This situation has taken me by surprise. I have been one of the nurse coordinators for a while now, and I have often worked around the clock with little sleep because of our nursing shortage (sometimes 1 nurse to 40 patients) I have been complimented by al the doctors and staff I have worked with.  I have become close with my patients and try in the mist of such trauma to be a patient advocate. With code after code it can be heard to remember and hard to find the time to treat each as an individual. Often its hour 25 or 26 of work were I finely get a second to go over to the patients and hand them a water, give them a hug and hear how their day was.

 
It is hard to understand how someone at the University of Miami who has never met me would make such a decision. Every day we are bombarded by the media followed by reports interrupted by cameras in our face I don’t have time to regulate and conform the flow of all those that come in.  But this one video that shows nothing from what I hear only shows the morgue not even the bodies has really ruffled someone’s feathers. It’s even more hurtful that the ones on the ground with me didn’t fight to have me stay. The only reason I am here is to help people. I never complained about the lack of bathrooms or the disorganized food situation or the critical shortage of nurses that have left us working constantly. A moral dilemma, either I sleep and my patient don’t get care, or I force myself to stay awake and just keep moving.

 

After hearing that I had to leave I rest I went into my tent in a daze. I remember there that I haven’t been drinking and all the sudden I cant even keep my eyes open and im to tired to try to drink, one of the nurses hooks an IV bag up to me and I lie there in a state of shock and desperation. I Have other options and after a little rest I try to pull myself together and I pack up my stuff. I walk over to the air field and find a pilot I know, I will be flying out with him to Leogane tomorrow, landing on the beach we will distribute supplies, some that I have helped him get from our supplies. The other day I sent him out with bags of animal crackers. Tomorrow I will start working at the General as well. But my heart breaks about how I have been treated by the University of Miami. I felt like a family and now I feel like an outcast, I cant dwell to much on this though, for no matter were I am I can help. But it makes me sad to realize something that I have been a part of since the begginging can just dismiss me with out even talking to me.  well my battier is almost dead and I don’t have a charger